I recently saw a conversation regarding inspirational office quotes that are terrible and wonderful, which reminded me that I still do not have a Cathy calendar to hang in my cubicle. So if anyone is really wondering what types of things I might need in my life, you can put that on your checklist. One of the cheesy quotes referenced in this conversation was "What would you do if you were not afraid?" Although this is indeed cliche and not all that inspiring... I was inspired. Or rather, forced to look inward.
Fear has been a pervasive thing in my life. I am constantly worried about things I can't control; peoples' opinions, possible risky outcomes, experiencing loss or rejection... and I am also terribly afraid to take chances and to dive into things. In spending a much larger amount of time alone, I have realized that for basically my whole life, I have been afraid to be lonely. I have been afraid to spend time with myself, to not be reliant on someone or something else to keep me going.
If I wasn't afraid, I would open one of my growing collection of wine bottles and drink it by myself. If I wasn't afraid, I would call my friends when I needed them, and reach out to them when I wanted to spend time. If I wasn't afraid, I'd leave my apartment and make as much noise as I wanted without worrying about being neighbor-stalked. Well, that one might be legit. I would sing in my apartment at normal volume when I felt like it. I would not allow myself to be bothered by unreasonable and unyielding people that I encounter during my day at work. I would live my life out in the world rather than hiding on my futon under a blanket when I'm not sure what else to do.
I would write poems and I would tell people how I feel when I am feeling it.
Here you go, poetry lovers. This one's for you.
If I wasn't so afraid, I'd move to Spain,
wear short dresses and high heels,
jump jacks in my apartment at night.
Fear keeps my secrets from you
who should really hear them, quiets
my voice and stills my fingers and races
my heartbeat like a hummingbird
given a good jolt.
If I wasn't so afraid, I'd have no trouble
being myself or reaching for your hand
or comparing you to bees' knees.
I couldn't tell you the reason for fear
or why it's easier to complain
than to feel out the atmosphere
of optimism, but I do know
I would sing for you
if you asked.
Now, I know somebody wants to help me conquer my fear of carving a pumpkin alone. Mostly I just want a standby who can call 911 when I sever an artery with my sad knives. Also I am the worst at carving pumpkins. So don't all line up at my door, you'll scare away the neighbors. Which, actually, might not be the worst thing...
Menace - Power is intoxicating. Everyone loves having the ability to make their decisions into reality — to think "this should be something that happens," and then...
1 year ago